Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The words I cannot express

I have been thinking about stopping my blog. I feel like I say too much, I expose myself and make all my personal information public. I am not sure how everyone else feels about this, and previously I didn't think I cared. But this IVF experience has made me question the sanity in always sharing everything. That is how I am, how I have always been. I talk, I express myself, I do not hold things in. But...sharing makes you vulnerable and that is scary. Over the past 2 weeks, since we received the news that our IVF cycle didn't work, I have really questioned whether sharing is the right thing or the wrong thing to do. Throughout this process, I thought that talking about it would help me, that I would have more support, and I did. But, it brought along with it the pressure of other people hoping with you, and the added disappointment of knowing that it isn't only my hopes that have been shattered. It also brings with it the aftermath, feeling that everyone knows it failed and no one knows what to say. I have always been a talker, but this experience has changed me. I don't want to talk about it. In the past 2 weeks, I have shockingly talked to no one but Ben about my feelings. I can't. I don't tell people what I am feeling, because I don't want to feel vulnerable anymore. Anyway, I don't know what I am going to do about my blog, and I still feel that this whole process is what the Lord needed for us to go through, but it has been even harder than I expected. I found something on another blog that describes quite perfectly how I have been feeling and why about this whole experience. I hope reading here helps you to better understand what this process is like, and then you will know what I am feeling without me having to tell you because I don't know when or if that will happen.
Thank you all for letting me deal with this in my own way!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Sad News

I know, it's been almost 2 months since we have posted. We are slackers. But, we have had a lot going on. The biggest thing was that we have been doing an IVF cycle. We started taking shots on March 22nd. On April 17th we had 8 eggs retrieved and 5 days later on April 22nd we had 3 embryos transferred back. We found out today that the process did not work. I know there are people out there that have gone through the same experience. It is impossible to describe the overwhelming sense of sadness I am feeling right now. But, this process was not only about the end result.

Ben and I went through a lot of prayer, fasting and faith before making the decision to move forward with In Vitro. We received an answer and a confirmation that this was the path we needed to take and the timing was right, and that whatever the outcome we were moving in the right direction and the results would be what was best for us and our family and our future.

I want to thank all of the people our there that were hoping and praying with us for a different outcome than this. I think part of what makes this so hard for me is the fact that I know it's hard for other people too, people that I love and care about. I wanted to be sharing good news today, news that would not only make my day, but that of so many people that were hoping with us. I wasn't able to do that, and that makes me sad. But, someday it will be our turn to share the good news. I cannot wait!