Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The words I cannot express

I have been thinking about stopping my blog. I feel like I say too much, I expose myself and make all my personal information public. I am not sure how everyone else feels about this, and previously I didn't think I cared. But this IVF experience has made me question the sanity in always sharing everything. That is how I am, how I have always been. I talk, I express myself, I do not hold things in. But...sharing makes you vulnerable and that is scary. Over the past 2 weeks, since we received the news that our IVF cycle didn't work, I have really questioned whether sharing is the right thing or the wrong thing to do. Throughout this process, I thought that talking about it would help me, that I would have more support, and I did. But, it brought along with it the pressure of other people hoping with you, and the added disappointment of knowing that it isn't only my hopes that have been shattered. It also brings with it the aftermath, feeling that everyone knows it failed and no one knows what to say. I have always been a talker, but this experience has changed me. I don't want to talk about it. In the past 2 weeks, I have shockingly talked to no one but Ben about my feelings. I can't. I don't tell people what I am feeling, because I don't want to feel vulnerable anymore. Anyway, I don't know what I am going to do about my blog, and I still feel that this whole process is what the Lord needed for us to go through, but it has been even harder than I expected. I found something on another blog that describes quite perfectly how I have been feeling and why about this whole experience. I hope reading here helps you to better understand what this process is like, and then you will know what I am feeling without me having to tell you because I don't know when or if that will happen.
Thank you all for letting me deal with this in my own way!


melanie said...

I know you will do what is right for you. I am glad that I feel like I am part of your life even if it is only through your blog. A big lesson I have learned lately is that the Lord and my husbands opinion is really the only ones that truly matters. I love you Carmen. I am glad you have chosen to share such hard things.

Sara said...

Carmen, I felt a lot like this when my dad suddenly died two years ago. Very few people said things that were actually comforting to me. Most people said, "I'm sorry," and so I said, "It's ok," as if I were consoling them. I felt weird every time that happened because it wasn't ok, but I didn't know what else to say.

I've since thought about what a better thing to say is to someone who is experiencing loss, but I'm not sure I know the answer.

I guess for this situation, all I can think of to say is this: what you're going through is completely normal and I appreciate that you shared these feelings. So many times in the Mormon culture, we'll stand up and bear testimony of how the trial we have just gone through has made us stronger. But rarely do we stand up in the middle of the trial and say how many times we cry and feel pain and just don't know what to do. I wish we would acknowledge that more.

I distanced myself from people after my dad died. It's not a bad way of dealing with things. Give yourself time to sort it all out. When you're ready, lots of people will be waiting to hear from you -- especially if Ben gets another concussion and starts talking all crazy again.

[hugs for you two]

The Cowleys said...

It's okay to be sad and even angry, and I think everyone understands if you want to keep your feelings private. I can't even imagine what you're going through. I love ya. And Happy belated Mothers Day to one of the BEST moms I know. Serious.

Angela said...

Oh Carmen,

I really enjoyed that article you linked onto your blog. It truly describes the feelings you go through with IVF and it not taking.

Life is so crazy with ups and downs. I would much rather have the middle blah ground where things are boring and uneventful...but that isn't life is it.

I sure have appreciated your blogging, but sometimes it is too much. Good luck and know I am thinking of you!

The White's said...

WOW. Carmen do what you need to but thank you for letting me be a friend and letting me in our what is important to you. I think by knowing what you are feeling and what is going on i can be a better friend. I read that article and WOW that really helps put things into perspective of what you might be going through. If you do start drinking, invite me to go out with you! But really do what you need to with our blog (not with the drinking), or maybe just take a break fro m blogging.

send me your email please

Tiffany Johnson said...

Carmen, I love you. We all love you over here in the Johnson household. We are here for you always. As far as your blog, I love reading it, but I completely know where you are coming from. sometimes I think about getting rid of mine too. I love that it in some ways is a journal, and keeps friends and family up to date, but in others, I find that it takes up WAY too much time. Time I could be doing things like scrapbooking, relaxing, catching up on things I've been wanting to do for awhile now.. who knows. Good luck with the decision. :-)

I just want you to know that I think you are one of the strongest people I know. I tell Nate that all the time. We love you.