The words I cannot express

I have been thinking about stopping my blog. I feel like I say too much, I expose myself and make all my personal information public. I am not sure how everyone else feels about this, and previously I didn't think I cared. But this IVF experience has made me question the sanity in always sharing everything. That is how I am, how I have always been. I talk, I express myself, I do not hold things in. But...sharing makes you vulnerable and that is scary. Over the past 2 weeks, since we received the news that our IVF cycle didn't work, I have really questioned whether sharing is the right thing or the wrong thing to do. Throughout this process, I thought that talking about it would help me, that I would have more support, and I did. But, it brought along with it the pressure of other people hoping with you, and the added disappointment of knowing that it isn't only my hopes that have been shattered. It also brings with it the aftermath, feeling that everyone knows it failed and no one knows what to say. I have always been a talker, but this experience has changed me. I don't want to talk about it. In the past 2 weeks, I have shockingly talked to no one but Ben about my feelings. I can't. I don't tell people what I am feeling, because I don't want to feel vulnerable anymore. Anyway, I don't know what I am going to do about my blog, and I still feel that this whole process is what the Lord needed for us to go through, but it has been even harder than I expected. I found something on another blog that describes quite perfectly how I have been feeling and why about this whole experience. I hope reading here helps you to better understand what this process is like, and then you will know what I am feeling without me having to tell you because I don't know when or if that will happen.
Thank you all for letting me deal with this in my own way!

Sad News

I know, it's been almost 2 months since we have posted. We are slackers. But, we have had a lot going on. The biggest thing was that we have been doing an IVF cycle. We started taking shots on March 22nd. On April 17th we had 8 eggs retrieved and 5 days later on April 22nd we had 3 embryos transferred back. We found out today that the process did not work. I know there are people out there that have gone through the same experience. It is impossible to describe the overwhelming sense of sadness I am feeling right now. But, this process was not only about the end result.

Ben and I went through a lot of prayer, fasting and faith before making the decision to move forward with In Vitro. We received an answer and a confirmation that this was the path we needed to take and the timing was right, and that whatever the outcome we were moving in the right direction and the results would be what was best for us and our family and our future.

I want to thank all of the people our there that were hoping and praying with us for a different outcome than this. I think part of what makes this so hard for me is the fact that I know it's hard for other people too, people that I love and care about. I wanted to be sharing good news today, news that would not only make my day, but that of so many people that were hoping with us. I wasn't able to do that, and that makes me sad. But, someday it will be our turn to share the good news. I cannot wait!

Finally an update!

It's been a long time, I know! I guess I just didn't feel like there was anything worthy of blogging about. We have just been going about our lives with work, school, the nursery...oh, and the other nursery. We were called to be nursery leaders in the ward, so with that and the crisis nursery where we work we get plenty of time with kids.

Ben's brother, Archie, moved in with us. Yes, he has the same name as our dog....let's just say that's gotten a little confusing at times. For example, one night last week I was taking Archie the dog outside at 4AM. On the way back into the house, the dog decided to go into Archie the brother in laws bedroom. Well, I immediately thought "I can't yell at him....Archie, Archie...cause that would wake the human Archie up" So, i was out in the hallway in the middle of the night, yelling softly "dog...dog...come here". Lets just say Archie the human wasn't very pleased being woken up in the middle of the night to that. But, other than the confusion with the dog, we have enjoyed having Archie living with us.

Two days ago, March 11th, we celebrated our 3 year anniversary. Ben brought me flowers to work, I decorated his office, and we went out to dinner. We had a good day. I am so lucky to have him, and I think he's pretty lucky to have me. Really though, it has been a great 3 years and in so many ways it has flown by. I am looking forward to all the time I get to spend with him. He truly is my very best friend.

There is one big thing that has just come about in the past few weeks. We are starting IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) in just one week. I had a follow up appointment for my surgery a little over a month ago and everything is looking good and healthy (that's a first) so the doctor really felt like we should move forward with fertility treatments right away. I immediately made an appointment for the consultation, which took place last Thursday. We went over the whole process, my situation, had an exam, met with the nurses, signed a bunch of consent forms and decided that we could start our IVF cycle as soon as March 22nd. At the time of the appointment that scared me. I felt like I needed more time to prepare, but then i realized I have been preparing for this for 3 years. What else do I need to do? This is our chance, so we are jumpin on it. We just don't know how long my body will cooperate and feel like this is the best time and opportunity to move forward. It is a scary process for many reasons. It is a LOT of money, it is a lot of medications and shots and side effects, a lot of doctors appointments, a lot of hope, and it kind of feels like the final thing we can do. I know that what the Lord wants to happen will happen, but I just hope that entails us getting pregnant the first time and moving forward and having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. Ha, not that I would tell the Lord what to do or anything. Anyway, we are extremely excited and anxious to start the process. If there is anyone out there who has been through it, please comment and tell me anything you think I need to know.

We appreciate all the love and support we have received and continue to receive from our family and friends. We know that we have had many prayers said for us, and hope that will continue. We love you all!

A reflection on love and my wife

This is a post dedicated to my wife. A shout out if you will. Wife, thanks for all that you do for me. Even though I am a grown man, many argue that I am still like a child. I guess it's the Peter Pan syndrome, I just really don't want to grow up. But you keep me looking foward towards the future. I realized that growing old with someone, someone you truly care for and love is the most beautiful experience one can have in this life. Isn't that an amazing thing? What a wonderful blessing it is that we can have the chance to find our sweetheart in this life and then be able to be with them throughout this life. We have our lives ahead of us. There are many more experiences waiting for us, more adventures, more times to laugh and cry, and we'll be together through all that. I think what makes our relationship so strong is that we are willing to see both sides of ourselves, the good and bad, and still choose to be committed and dedicated to each other. You know how frustrating I can be, and I with you, yet we embrace those sides of us willingly. Honey, we need to laugh more. We need to be more silly. The stresses in our lives aren't supposed determine our happiness. We choose what makes us happy. In my office I look at your picture and I realize the most important thing, above all, is to be happy with each other. That is our most powerful weapon to combat against the powers that want to tear us apart. I believe if more people do that in this world, the quality of live as we know it would increase tremendously. Love is being forgotten and being replaced with different emotions; frustration, irritation, anger, boredom, and pride. This isn't to say that our relationship is in trouble, it's just me reflecting on what I see in the world around us. We have our days, everyone does, but what makes us solid is our love for the One who loved the most and our love for each other. Our unbaised, non judging love. You have truly completed my life in so many ways. I feel that I am a better man because of you. I don't know how I could function daily without you. You hear stories of animal pairs, when the other dies the one follows thereafter. I think this is a great example of how to love; you couldn't exist anymore in this life without their companionship. So thank you wife. You're great.

Tagged for Christmas!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper, but bags are fun cause I can keep them and use them next year.
2. Real tree or Artificial? Artificial. It's just cheaper and easier for us!
3. When do you put up the tree? Hopefully right after Thanksgiving!
4. When do you take the tree down? Whenever we get home from traveling, usually around New Years.
5. Do you like eggnog? LOVE IT!!!
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Cabbage Patch Kids, tanning pass when I was like 14. My boss gave me a TV and DVD player the 2nd year I was at Smart Planet. That was AWESOME!!!
7. Hardest person to buy for? My dad
8. Easiest person/people to buy for? Probably the neices, until they are about 12.
9. Do you have a nativity set? Two, one from Taiwan and one from the Philippines.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Neither, we have sent Christmas cards once, I am bad at that stuff.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Uh, last year Ben wrapped a box of garbage(seriously) with a note at the bottom that said "You've been naughty this year, love Santa" ya, hilarious!
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? I actually don't enjoy Christmas movies, at all.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? We are procrastinators, it's usually 2 weeks before Christmas and it stresses me out
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Chocolate Roll, fruit salad,..sweets
16. Lights on the tree? Clear
17. Favorite Christmas song? Oh Holy Night
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel to Oregon on off years, and previous to this year we have traveled to Utah the other years. Now we live here so it's staying home. We like both and are glad we get to switch off.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen...and RUDOLPH! (thanks Jess, just copied and pasted)
20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Presents Christmas morning, except PJ's on Christmas Eve. Ben's family does one on Christmas Eve and I am still getting used to it.
21. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Being away from work when stuff has to get done kind of stresses me out. AND...not having kids yet and being asked why by people that just don't know.
22. Favorite ornament theme or color? We just have red and gold ornaments, but I like it. I love my mom's tree with her Santa Clauses.
23. What do you want for Christmas this year? Clothes, a vacuum, more money, a baby...haha, don't think that's something anyone can get for me, huh?
Now I am tagging...Lindsey, Kimmie, Tiff and Rachelle

Surgery Update

I just wanted to let everyone know that the surgery went well. Ben might take a second to put one of his funny updates on, but mine is just information. Sorry!
I went in for surgery yesterday at 1PM up at LDS Hospital in Salt Lake. They did laparscopic bi-lateral drainage of my cysts, then burned them so that they hopefully do not come back so quickly. They also did excision of what endometriosis they could, which is more than either of my other surgeons have done and makes me very happy. Oh, and then I had my appendix removed. That was at my special request. I know, I sound like one of the wierd interns on Grey's Anatomy. Who asks to have a piece of their body removed? Well, if you knew the kind of horrible tests they put me through the last time I went to the ER just to make sure it wasn't my appendix, you would understand why I asked. I don't want them to ever have a reason to question it again. So, they removed that and then were done. The doctor came out and talked to Ben when they were done. He also gave him a video, which is so awesome to have but kind of disgusting to watch. Dr.Peterson told Ben that that all went well, but he did up by dosage of the suppression medication I am on because the endometriosis was a lot worse than he originally thought. I probably could have told him that, but no one believes me until they see it:)
So, now I am just recovering, which seems to be going pretty well. I was lucky to have a wonderful surgeon that seemed to know exactly what he was doing.
I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers. We are hoping this is the last of these, at least for a while.

Life

So, I wish I had more to share, more to blog about but I really don't. But, I get so frustrated when other people don't blog and I haven't added anything for months. I will just give you a quick life update on the Crisantos:

Fun: We have been traveling and playing a lot the past month or so. We had the chance to go to L.A. for Thanksgiving and spend the week with my entire family. It was so much fun and I was glad everyone was able to be there. Some of us stayed with Kristen's family, while the rest of us stayed at a house we had rented in Tarzana. The house was a perfect fit and gave us just the room we needed. We were one block off of Ventura Blvd and had quick access to everything we needed. We went out to eat, the girls went and saw Twilight, we played the Wii, had a YUMMY Thanksgiving dinner at Kristen's, played the new Guitar Hero World Tour, and just had a good time all around. We also got family pictures taken. That ended up being quite the fiasco. We didn't have a photographer, so Tiff had to use her magic skills with a tripod. Then, the park we had planned on going to for the pictures had burned to the ground in the most recent fires. There was still smoke when we pulled up. But, the pictures turned out beautifully. my sis-in law is quite talented. The weekend did also involve lots people getting sick, but we still all had a blast and I am so THANKFUL that our THANKSGIVING turned out so great!
We spent this weekend in Afton Wyoming, and I was able to go to Jackson Hole for my first time ever. It was fun, short trip. We will also be traveling to Oregon on the 19th of December for Christmas and to see Ben's little brother, Archie (the dog was named after him), who just returned from his mission. We are so excited!

Work: Ben and I have both been keeping ourself busy with work. We have great jobs and are really so blessed to work where we do and with the people we do. I have been very sick a few times in the last couple of months and it has taken both of us away from our jobs a lot. We are blessed to be where we are and have boss's that are understanding about our situation.

Health: Since I already mentioned it, my health has not been the best. I had another stint at the Emergency Room about a month ago. It was NOT fun and I would tell you all about it, but no one wants those details. I did end up being admitted this time, which I have never had happen. For the first time in my life I spent the night in the hospital. I never want to do it again! But, they did give me the chance to vote from my hospital bed, which I thought was awesome! I am actually having another surgery on Tuesday of this week, hopefully the last one for a while.

Kids: The health always leads into this subject nicely. Ben and I met with a Reproductive Endocronologist in November. We had made the decision to move forward with IVF and thought we would have to do surgery and then have the go ahead. We weren't that lucky. The doctor felt that surgery was the right move (see above paragraph), but that my body is not ready to go straight to IVF. So, we will be on a suppression medication for 4-6 months after surgery and then see. I have been assured that the side affects of this medication are nothing like Lupron, so it shouldn't be that bad. But, it is disappointing to just have to wait again. We are still thinking and praying and deciding on what the next step is in the kids area.

School: Ben is almost done with his semester and just ready for the BREAK.

So, as you can see, life is just moving forward. I haven't been taking many pictures lately, so I don't have any to post. I hope this wasn't too much reading. We hope all is well with everyone and wish everyone HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!